Mr UPS brought this 93lb package into my place and then mysteriously dashed out in a hurry. While I was admiring my new arrival, it suddenly made a movement. Followed by this sound of scraping hoofs and heavy indrawn breathing. I struggled with the box knife to free the beast that was encased within, which wasn't easy as the sudden lunges of movement became more frequent and more aggressive. If it hadn't been shipped in the flight case I would've had a bull's hoof break through the corrogated paper shell of the box right in my face.
Once the flight case was free of the shipping box, it started dancing across the floor like a mexican jumping bean. Both my cats fled for cover leaving me to confront the possessed pedals alone (thanks guys!). It took all my weight to subdue the case to the floor while I unlatched the lid of the case. Lifted up the lid, and the first thing that greeted me were those lowbrow red eyes glowing in the dark. I quickly closed the lid and recited the Lord's Prayer which granted me newfound confidence. Slowly I raised the lid again. Its nose peeked out, taking in the scents of its new home.
Then the beast lept from its foam-lined cage, unleasing all its wound up energy from being imprisoned for a week. It briefly went into each room as it was looking for something. Then it found the basement where my studio was, and I thought a stampede was coming through from the sound of those happy hoofs rushing down the stairs. The smell of a two thousand watt stereo PA with twin subwoofers each loaded with 18 inch speakers transformed the beast into a excitable puppy who had found its new home.
But this puppy needed taming. After digging out my Feeding and Caring Of Taurus Pedals book from my library, my attempts to tame the bull were naught. Then it occurred to me: I'm trying to home-train a 21st century beast with an obsolete training manual. OK, uh, why don't we just run you through the PA and get all this pent up energy out of your system? To my bewilderment, this happy hoofed puppy submitted to its new owner and sat still enough for me to apply power and some audio cables. I brought its long lost descendent - my Taurus Is - right next to the new kid on the ranch and there appeared to be a brief exchange of reminiscing. OK, they know each other and the beast has someone familiar to be with. Maybe going to the Moog factory to get these two acquainted was a good idea.
I got both pedals hooked up and normalized them on the mixer then I turned on the PA power amps. This was the moment of truth. But the beast was jumping impatiently in place. It wanted to run its paces! I donned my hardhat, my flightsuit, packed my parachute and braced for impact as I gingerly pressed a pedal expecting the worst. I rent a house in wide open country with no neighbors to come knocking on my door so no worries about excessive volume. My first mistake was playing the first note with the "TAURUS III" preset. The subwoofers begged for mercy as they had never endured such subsonics. And my limiters were pegged (thank God for protection limiters!).
I think it is a fair assessment that Moog has made the understatement of the year when they boasted of recreating the bull of the original Taurus. This isn't a reissue, it's a bass monster on steroids! I found the Taurus, Tuba, and Bass presets and commanded the granddaddy Taurus I to speak. The subwoofers in my PA were grimacing at the thought of dual Taurus pedals. Amazingly enough, the T3 had the brawn and aggressiveness of its relative. More importantly, the T3 had that famous "OOMPH" that has been known to moooove chairs (sorry), rearrange china on their shelves, free constipated bowels (damn that chocolate ex-lax cake!), and trigger landslides.
Then there was a knock on my door. The game warden at my doorstep warned me that there was a wild bull loose in the country. They were hot on the trail as they had found a recent avalanche. Crap, the T3 had triggered an avalanche. If I don't tame it soon our county wil be the next San Andreas fault. In feigned concern I asked the warden if there were any missing persons following the avalanche. I was relieved of no report of missing persons but the neighbor down the road was being treated after an entire snowfall from a large pine tree has been mysteriously shaken off and had nearly buried the hapless person. With that I told the warden to extend best wishes and closed the door.
When I arrived back downstairs, the bull was snickering under hushed breath. OK little fella you got a mischievous streak about you. This explains why you were so anxious to run your paces. I've handled feisty creatures like you and I promise you that there won't be a next time. I know how to discipline an animal without striking it and trust me you will submit to the master of this studio and stage in no time. If you have any doubts about my command of the beasts of the analog jungle, feel free to converse with the rest of the studio toys here by the way one of them also has a playful mischievous streak so I'm sure you two will have lots of fun together. Horseplay is tolerated as long as nothing is broken, no harm to the human or beastly race is done, and most of all no repeat no catfights in my lap. Do we have an understanding?
The bull's breathing intensified, then slowed. It realized that although it had to tame its wild side, It had found a good home and was expected to earn its rent. With that, it relaxed its posture and permitted me to run through the rest of its patch library. This time the PA was turned down to a richter scale of 2. We both learned a lesson today.